How do children grieve differently than adults?

Children are not tiny adults. They lack vocabulary and life experience and therefore do not talk about their grief the way adults would. Children will often internalize feelings rather than talk about them. You may notice an increase in physical complaints or discomfort, or behavior that is unusual. Children have particular developmental milestones and often a loss disrupts this process. Further, children may feel responsible for the death or they may not understand that death is final and irreversible. 

My child is acting as if the death didn’t happen. Is this normal?

Children, depending on their age, may be sad one minute and playful the next. The complexity of emotions in grief  can be too intense for children since they do not yet know how to regulate their emotions. Children process their feelings differently than adults do. They hold difficult feelings for a short time and then need moments of reprieve where they distance themselves from the pain so they don’t overwhelm their system. Other factors that may affect how a child grieves include their developmental age and maturity, the type and circumstances of the loss, the availability of caring adults, and the layers of disruption to their sense of safety and routine.

My child is getting into more trouble at school. Why?

When a child experiences a loss, they suffer a lack of control. They cannot control who knows what has happened, they cannot control how people respond to the news (or to them), and can often be the target of bullying and unkind words. Further, adults in their life may not understand children’s grief, and therefore may respond with punishment rather than presence and compassion. When a loss occurs, it is important to communicate with a child’s school administrators and teachers, because they can help families access the right resources to support them.

What can I do to support my child’s grief while I am in pain, too?

As a grieving adult, you are experiencing this loss on multiple levels – so much of your life has been turned upside down. It is important to ask for help from your circle to support you and your child, whether it is providing a meal, taking your child to a movie or having a sleepover. If you are not capable of supporting your child emotionally and physically, seek out support from others. School professionals, mental health professionals, and others can step up when you are feeling adrift. It is also very important for adults to model grief for their children. They should understand that expressing emotions is a healthy way to cope with grief. You may want to conduct a ritual, like a candle lighting, or spend 10 minutes at dinner talking about the person who has died. If it is too hard to talk, everyone can take 10 minutes to journal or create an image to express what they are feeling.